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Hellgate Incident 24

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Performance Report Follow-Up


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 9:45am

Hi Jeff,

I just wanted to check in and see if you’ve had the chance to generate that performance report we discussed. My presentation for the CTO is tomorrow, and I’ll need some time to look over the data and create appropriate graphics. I expect this presentation will be mentioned in my upcoming performance review, so I’d appreciate it if you could send me the data ASAP.

Thanks, I’ll buy you a drink at the next company happy hour.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 10:38am

look at the system metrics in the monitoring dashboard

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 10:41am

Hi Jeff,

Thanks for the suggestion. The monitoring dashboard is a wonderful resource.

However, this report is to measure the effectiveness of my year long performance project. The dashboard only has hellgate data from the last two weeks, so I’ll need a custom report to show the CTO. I sent you the report parameters after our meeting last month, let me know if you’d like me to resend them.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 2:56pm

Attached: error-summary.sql

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 3:11pm

Hi Jeff,

This is a really interesting and useful file. Thanks for sending it to me. I’ll forward it to the QA team so they can look into that critical-level error regarding gateway stability.

For my presentation, though, I specifically need the performance benchmarks for the gateway adjustment software. This helps to ensure that once you put in a gateway adjustment, it happens lightening fast – improving safety at your station. For your convenience, I’ve attached the report parameters.

Could you please send that along before you leave today?

Attached: performance-report-parameters-chaudhari.xlsx

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:19pm

what critical gateway stability error? that’s not something to joke about

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:24pm

Jeff,

It’s in the file you sent me two emails ago. The one named “error-summary.sql.”

Is there anything I can do to save you time so you can make room for that performance report?

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:34pm

shit shit shit

it’s a cascade failure – a TOTAL failure. i want to believe it’s a drill but looking through the observation window, the gate seal is flickering

it takes 20 minutes to do a manual gate closure and it’ll be unsealed in 12

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:34pm

Stay calm. I can roll out an emergency patch.

I need the full error logs from today – not just the summary you sent. Get that to me, and I’ll code a fix ASAP.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:35pm

here – please patch!

Attached: error-detail.txt

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:41pm

I’d be happy to do that for you as soon as you send me the performance report.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:41pm

what??

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:41pm

The performance report I’ve asked for several times a week for the last month.

Send it to me.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:42pm

HELL IS ABOUT TO GET LOOSE IN HERE

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:42pm

I understand you’re facing difficulties, but the true definition of hell is when you aren’t prepared for a big presentation in front of the chief technology officer, and you get demoted as a result.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:44pm

here’s your damn report. fyi, claws are scraping the gate as I type this

HURRY

Attached: performance.sql

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:44pm

I appreciate the half-hearted effort you’ve put in, Jeff, but unfortunately this export is a .sql file instead of a .csv. The difference may be one small checkbox to you, but it’s twenty minutes of reformatting to me. I believe you are familiar with this concept, as I have mentioned it five times previously.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:45pm

THERE ARE LITERALLY DEMONS CRAWLING UP MY PANT LEGS I HOPE YOUR HAPPY

Attached: performance.csv

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:45pm

I am happy, thanks!

Those little demons should be heading back to hell any moment now.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries


White guy with half smileJeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:49pm

some of our million-dollar gate equipment is busted

i can’t WAIT to tell the CTO that you did this to get a data report

Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries


Indian Woman Smiling WideKareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:52pm

I also look forward to discussing my outstanding performance. I am particularly interested in reporting that after an unfortunate oversight by monitoring staff, I troubleshot and fixed a severe gate breach in five minutes. As the logs will show, I rolled out the software patch a minute before I requested the performance report. Then the gate drivers just had to reboot for a few minutes.

Really, Jeff, by now you should know that only one of us is a procrastinator.

Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries

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Comments

  1. Cay Reet

    Every company in a nutshell – only most don’t have Hellgates to guard.

  2. Xandar The Zenon

    This has got to be one of the best stories I’ve ever read.

  3. Kathy Ferguson

    I love this story. In fact, I am particularly interested in reading more stories like this. Outstanding performance. I am happy too, thanks.

  4. Bunny

    Stories told through the medium of something beyond traditional narration are super underutilized, which is surprising considering what a cool resource things like email or letters can be to tell a story (as evidenced in the brilliant piece above)! Code Name Verity comes to mind as a novel-length exemplification of the awesome capabilities of this type of storytelling.

    • Cay Reet

      In addition, a story told through emails, texts, or, more traditionally, letters or diary entries can be very close to the main character without guaranteeing that they’ll survive – all that material can be found after a person has died.

  5. SunlessNick

    Excellent! And hilarious. I can’t help wanting to know how Hellgate Industries came to be.

  6. Kieran

    Wow. She endangered someone’s life to get a data report.
    That’s cold.

    • Bunny

      Goes to show the value of getting things done on time!

    • Oren Ashkenazi

      Just for the record, in Kareena’s final email we see that she was not in fact refusing to roll the patch out until Jeff sent her the material she needed.

      She just let Jeff think she was doing that while her patch was being implemented, since that was apparently the only way to get him off his ass.

  7. yul

    That’s some great character presentation. You can easily imagine Chaudhari and Klein, their approach to work and dealing with difficult situations. It is obviously also very relatable. Amazing writing.

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