Performance Report Follow-Up
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 9:45am
Hi Jeff,
I just wanted to check in and see if you’ve had the chance to generate that performance report we discussed. My presentation for the CTO is tomorrow, and I’ll need some time to look over the data and create appropriate graphics. I expect this presentation will be mentioned in my upcoming performance review, so I’d appreciate it if you could send me the data ASAP.
Thanks, I’ll buy you a drink at the next company happy hour.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 10:38am
look at the system metrics in the monitoring dashboard
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 10:41am
Hi Jeff,
Thanks for the suggestion. The monitoring dashboard is a wonderful resource.
However, this report is to measure the effectiveness of my year long performance project. The dashboard only has hellgate data from the last two weeks, so I’ll need a custom report to show the CTO. I sent you the report parameters after our meeting last month, let me know if you’d like me to resend them.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 2:56pm
Attached: error-summary.sql
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 3:11pm
Hi Jeff,
This is a really interesting and useful file. Thanks for sending it to me. I’ll forward it to the QA team so they can look into that critical-level error regarding gateway stability.
For my presentation, though, I specifically need the performance benchmarks for the gateway adjustment software. This helps to ensure that once you put in a gateway adjustment, it happens lightening fast – improving safety at your station. For your convenience, I’ve attached the report parameters.
Could you please send that along before you leave today?
Attached: performance-report-parameters-chaudhari.xlsx
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:19pm
what critical gateway stability error? that’s not something to joke about
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:24pm
Jeff,
It’s in the file you sent me two emails ago. The one named “error-summary.sql.”
Is there anything I can do to save you time so you can make room for that performance report?
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:34pm
shit shit shit
it’s a cascade failure – a TOTAL failure. i want to believe it’s a drill but looking through the observation window, the gate seal is flickering
it takes 20 minutes to do a manual gate closure and it’ll be unsealed in 12
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:34pm
Stay calm. I can roll out an emergency patch.
I need the full error logs from today – not just the summary you sent. Get that to me, and I’ll code a fix ASAP.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:35pm
here – please patch!
Attached: error-detail.txt
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:41pm
I’d be happy to do that for you as soon as you send me the performance report.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:41pm
what??
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:41pm
The performance report I’ve asked for several times a week for the last month.
Send it to me.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:42pm
HELL IS ABOUT TO GET LOOSE IN HERE
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:42pm
I understand you’re facing difficulties, but the true definition of hell is when you aren’t prepared for a big presentation in front of the chief technology officer, and you get demoted as a result.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:44pm
here’s your damn report. fyi, claws are scraping the gate as I type this
HURRY
Attached: performance.sql
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:44pm
I appreciate the half-hearted effort you’ve put in, Jeff, but unfortunately this export is a .sql file instead of a .csv. The difference may be one small checkbox to you, but it’s twenty minutes of reformatting to me. I believe you are familiar with this concept, as I have mentioned it five times previously.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:45pm
THERE ARE LITERALLY DEMONS CRAWLING UP MY PANT LEGS I HOPE YOUR HAPPY
Attached: performance.csv
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:45pm
I am happy, thanks!
Those little demons should be heading back to hell any moment now.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Jeff Klein <[email protected]>
To: Kareena Chaudhari
Dec 15 at 4:49pm
some of our million-dollar gate equipment is busted
i can’t WAIT to tell the CTO that you did this to get a data report
Jeff Klein
Senior Analyst, Gateway Monitoring Station
Hellgate Industries
Kareena Chaudhari <[email protected]>
To: Jeff Klein
Dec 15 at 4:52pm
I also look forward to discussing my outstanding performance. I am particularly interested in reporting that after an unfortunate oversight by monitoring staff, I troubleshot and fixed a severe gate breach in five minutes. As the logs will show, I rolled out the software patch a minute before I requested the performance report. Then the gate drivers just had to reboot for a few minutes.
Really, Jeff, by now you should know that only one of us is a procrastinator.
Kareena Chaudhari
Associate Developer, Software Division
Hellgate Industries
Every company in a nutshell – only most don’t have Hellgates to guard.
This has got to be one of the best stories I’ve ever read.
Thank you!
I love this story. In fact, I am particularly interested in reading more stories like this. Outstanding performance. I am happy too, thanks.
Stories told through the medium of something beyond traditional narration are super underutilized, which is surprising considering what a cool resource things like email or letters can be to tell a story (as evidenced in the brilliant piece above)! Code Name Verity comes to mind as a novel-length exemplification of the awesome capabilities of this type of storytelling.
In addition, a story told through emails, texts, or, more traditionally, letters or diary entries can be very close to the main character without guaranteeing that they’ll survive – all that material can be found after a person has died.
Excellent! And hilarious. I can’t help wanting to know how Hellgate Industries came to be.
Wow. She endangered someone’s life to get a data report.
That’s cold.
Goes to show the value of getting things done on time! ;)
Just for the record, in Kareena’s final email we see that she was not in fact refusing to roll the patch out until Jeff sent her the material she needed.
She just let Jeff think she was doing that while her patch was being implemented, since that was apparently the only way to get him off his ass.
That’s some great character presentation. You can easily imagine Chaudhari and Klein, their approach to work and dealing with difficult situations. It is obviously also very relatable. Amazing writing.
But why do they keep sending each other SQL files and act as if they’re data for presentation? Those files are usually instructions for a database, you can obtain some data using them, but they’re not data themselves.
I know it’s a meaningless detail, but it won’t stop bugging me. :P
To bring it into a nautical analogy: it’s as if a writer used “stern” every time they meant “mast”.
If you know nothing about ships it probably doesn’t matter to you. It’s just technobabble good as any.
If you know about ships, you’ll soon understand what is meant from what’s happening, so it won’t make it too hard to read, but you’ll keep thinking “this is wrong, why are you doing this?”
I hope I’m making the issue clear. :)
A fun story otherwise, especially in terms of presentation. The first mail sets up an impeccable corporate atmosphere. :)
SQL files do always include instructions, but they often also contain data, for the purposes of migrating or restoring databases. You can export a database, a single table, or a subset of rows as an SQL file, and it will contain all the data from that portion of the database, it’s just wrapped in INSERT statements. That’s why it’s a pain get data out of that and into a plain CSV, and it’s not the file that Jeff should have sent.
Yeah, you’re right. Database export didn’t cross my mind at all, but it could be used that way.
I’m feeling really silly now. :P
No worries! I understand why you got that impression. And if a couple of my beta readers had experienced what you did, I would have tweaked the story to compensate – even if it’s technically incorrect.