How do I portray relationship conflict in a healthy way? Do you have any tips for characterizing disagreements and arguments in relationships without going into abusive territory? People usually say not to portray healthy relationships as “bunnies and butterflies” but they’re never specific aside from letting them argue.
Ravencraft
Hi Ravencraft,
First, it helps to find realistic and legitimate disagreements so you’re not forcing them to argue when they have nothing to argue about. Competing priorities are often relevant in relationships. Maybe one person works late and the other person wants more time together. Or, one person had an expected errand and ran out to do it, leaving the other person without the only car when they had an appointment. In the context of a fictional story, it’s best if you can make this have to do with something else that’s going on in the plot. For example, have another character in hiding, and the couple disagrees about whether it’s safe to let that person stay with them.
While the partners can vent their feelings when they argue, arguments should still be largely good faith attempts to express grievances and ultimately resolve their disagreement. I’m a big fan of characters who make a proactive effort to communicate and resolve problems. Characters who show some emotional self awareness about what’s bothering them are great too, but you can also have deeper feelings emerge during the conversation for some dramatic flair. If one person is bothered by the other person working late, they may start by reasoning that this other person doesn’t have time for chores. Then, when the late worker addresses that (they are in fact doing chores or with the overtime they can pay someone to do them), their partner may finally realize that the late hours make them feel unimportant and unloved. This will allow the couple to look for ways to address that.
One thing you don’t want in any healthy argument is behavior that’s designed to be punitive rather than constructively address the situation. For instance, your characters may need to separate to cool off and think on their own, but giving the other person the cold shoulder is a way of getting back at or punishing them. Instead, if they need space, they should say that. Similarly, any statements designed to cut the other person down are not healthy. Nor are any types of threats – if you don’t do this, I’ll tell your mother what you did, etc.
I also strongly recommend against privacy invasions, such as snooping on emails or reading diaries. That’s a sign of controlling and jealous behavior.
Personal choices should be largely off limits unless they significantly impact the welfare of both people. For instance, one partner shouldn’t demand the other accept a specific job unless they have a good reason to be concerned that the two won’t have enough money to live on otherwise. Similarly, one partner shouldn’t demand the other disclose private information unless it affects the welfare of both people, such as disclosing an STI. They can express that they feel hurt that they weren’t told something, but the focus should be on feelings and not demands.
I hope that gives you some ideas. Happy writing!
Chris
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As a suggestion, have the couple discuss the issue at the earliest reasonable time instead of letting things fester. Especially if the conflict was caused by a misunderstanding or one of those things that can be resolved in a couple minutes with people being honest (or at least calmly talking) with each other.
Part of the problem is that we tend to think of “conflict” as hostile, aggressive, and violent–all of which are inherently unhealthy in a relationship. But that’s not the case. Conflict merely means two people working at opposing goals. This can be something as simple as competing schedules, or as complex as competing ideas on how to raise children.
A lot of fiction set in the 1800s includes a lot of conflicts of this nature. See Pratchett’s “Night Watch” series, particularly Vimes and his wife, for examples of this. They have conflicting desires–her to have her husband home on occasion, him to satisfy a compulsion to solve crime. They address these in a variety of subtle ways, some healthy (Sybil noting her disapproval but supporting him anyway) and some not (Sam more or less ignoring that there IS a problem). Or, look at Patrick O’Brian’s novels. Maturin wants to investigate the flora and fauna of various places, while Aubrey wants to come at the enemy. These are mutually exclusive desires. Yet the only truly violent conflicts were over keeping beat to music (their first meeting) and over a woman (definitely NOT merely a sexy lamp, but the first book she appears in doesn’t do her justice). The two characters handle this conflict in a variety of ways, mostly via good-faith give-and-take efforts.
Another potential source of healthy conflict is in communication styles. My wife and I bump into this quite frequently. We grew up in areas where communication is very different. Where she grew up anything that wasn’t a firm “No” was taken as agreement, while where I grew up it was accepted that if you stated a conflict the “No” was taken as given, for example. This led to a number of situations where one of us thought we’d been perfectly clear–because by our standards we had been–while the other one either thought the situation was far more hostile than it needed to be. Both of us were acting in good faith, but it still created conflict. It was healthy because we were acting in good faith and making vigorous efforts to learn how the other communicated. In a situation where cultures clash more than ours (say, a long-lived elf in a relationship with a human, or a platonic relationship between a captain of a starship and a non-human officer) such conflicts would be FAR more common and likely would lead to additional conflict, drama, and plot.
I think the important part is to know your characters. Conflict arises when they have conflicting goals, desires, or obligations. This means you need to identify what the goals, desires, and obligations for each character are in the first place. Once you get that, you can identify the problem, identify the solution you want them to have (one advantage of fiction over a real relationship!), and back-calculate a respectful, healthy way to resolve that conflict.