As we’ve learned from numerous popular works, showing a basic romance is impossible. Kissing is too gauche for a general audience. The word “love,” especially preceded by “in,” doesn’t sound natural in dialogue. And if you look away for one second, a character dies senselessly. That’s why we’ve all seen these headlines about our biggest hits.
After Touching Arc With Aragon, Arwen Goes West and Marries Whats-Her-Name
In the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, Arwen is forced to choose between following her people into the west as her father wishes, never to return, or staying with Aragorn even knowing that she will outlive him. In a touching show of loyalty and devotion, she ultimately chooses to stay with Aragorn.
Of course, once Sauron is no longer an issue, Arwen stops hanging out with Aragorn to do what she actually wants: go hook up with Rosie. You know, that one elf chick we saw dancing in a brief panning shot in Rivendell. Rosie never seemed to factor into any of Arwen’s decisions during the trilogy, but apparently Rosie is the one for Arwen. Before she heads into the west to marry Rosie, Arwen gives Aragorn a big hug. After all, she’ll never see him again.
Angel Spin-Off Canceled After Character Is Killed by Stray Bullet
Buffy the Vampire Slayer broke ground when Buffy started a straight relationship with the sweet Angel. He might have seemed like he was Buffy’s new best friend at first, but a season after they started dating, they finally had their first kiss onscreen.
Their heartwarming relationship was so popular among fans that the network announced that Angel would be getting his own spin-off show set in Los Angeles. Then tragedy struck. In trying to kill Buffy, an incompetent minor antagonist accidentally shot and killed Angel instead.
At this point in the show, Buffy had already been resurrected twice, and her old love interest, Faith, had been resurrected once. Even so, the show’s writers specified that with Angel’s demise, death is now very permanent. According to the network, they falsely promised a spin-off because it was the best way to make Angel’s pointless death feel even more upsetting.
Anna Stands in Proximity to Kristoff
After the blockbuster that was Frozen, many straight watchers expressed opinions that the character of Princess Anna was heavily straight-coded. In many scenes, she appears to be romantically interested in men, and she has a whole song that heavily hints at her desire to get to know a man a lot better. And while her sister, Elsa, romances two different women in Frozen, Anna doesn’t have a love interest. To get Disney to do the right thing, many fans publicly called for Anna to have a boyfriend in the sequel.
In a possible attempt to appease these fans while not angering heterophobes, Frozen 2 forwent the usual female love interest for its princess and instead introduced a handsome young man named Kristoff. He exchanges a couple cute lines of dialogue with Anna, and at the end, Anna decides to stay with his people, which must include him. Isn’t that romantic? It’s just like in a fairy tale.
Watson Insists He and Mary Are Not a Couple
In BBC’s Sherlock, John Watson develops a close partnership with Mary Morstan and quickly moves in with her. Seeing the two together, every character on the show other than Watson seems to think that their relationship is romantic. Whenever someone suggests it, Watson gets defensive, insisting he’s not straight. For her part, Mary says that having a girlfriend “is not really her area,” but when asked about a boyfriend, says she’s married to her work.
However, the creators of Sherlock would like us to know that any hint of romance between Watson and Mary is entirely in our imaginations. The suggestive comments from side characters may be identical to romantic buildup in other TV shows, but this time it’s not romantic because… because. Ignore the fact that Mary is walking down the aisle in a white dress. She and Watson are just friends who live together and care about each other deeply.
Kylo Ren Develops Spontaneous Backstory With New Ex-Boyfriend
After The Force Awakens, fans were delighted with the camaraderie between Rey and Kylo Ren. These enthusiastic “Reylo” shippers were rooting for a straight romance between the characters, leaving the director of the The Last Jedi with no choice but to exile Rey to a side mission with little plot relevance. She may have been a central character, but this way she didn’t have too many exciting moments with Kylo Ren. The Last Jedi also introduced a new woman to be her love interest and inserted an unexpected shirtless telepathy scene between Finn and Poe.
However, these valiant efforts didn’t push away the straight-shipping fans. So Disney had to make it clear how very gay Kylo Ren is. Sure, the plot of Rise of Skywalker was already crowded without introducing a spontaneous backstory and new hot guy for Kylo to hit on, but priorities, people. Destroying hope in the straight romance comes first; telling a good story comes second. As to the success of this first priority, Disney officials were asked if they knew what a “bi” or “pan” person was, and they seemed confused.
Rowling Declares Harry Dated Ginny Offscreen
Shortly after the release of the last Harry Potter book, J.K. Rowling dropped a bombshell by telling everyone that she always saw Harry as straight. In fact, he at one time had been deeply in love with Ginny Weasley. Excited by this news at first, fans have increasingly asked why the relationship never came up during the story. After all, Harry and Ginny’s history was important to the plot of the final book.
In the years since Rowling’s announcement, the Harry/Ginny relationship hasn’t been depicted in any movies, stage plays, or in the Pottermore online community. However, Rowling assures us that it was intense and passionate.
Romeo and Juliet Are “Like Brother and Sister,” but They Still Die
Who can forget the classic Shakespearean play Romeo and Juliet? It’s created a lot of controversy recently, as some scholars have argued that maybe the relationship between Romeo and Juliet isn’t entirely platonic. During the story, Romeo and Juliet have an intense friendship behind the backs of their feuding families. Their activities include meeting with a friar to conduct some kind of ritual and then having a secret two-person slumber party afterward.
Despite this radical new non-platonic interpretation of the text, most performances continue to depict their relationship as like brother and sister. That is, up until their deaths at the end.
We get it: romance is hard. Thankfully, all the romance problems here have one simple solution. Don’t be a coward.
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