Five Terrible Games in Speculative Fiction

Characters in stories play games just like you and me.* But what do they play? Some stories can use real games, but strange fantasy cultures should have strange fantasy games. Unfortunately, most writers aren’t game designers, and many of their creations fall flat. Others fall a lot farther, and that’s what we’ll be talking about. These games make Pro Bending look like Go and 3D Chess look like regular Chess. They’re the bottom of the barrel and so poorly thought out that no one would play them.

1. Blitzball

Penalty! Too many fish on the field. Penalty! Too many fish on the field.

Back in the ancient past of 2001, Squaresoft published their tenth Final Fantasy (FF) game.* The last two entries in the series featured in-universe games played by the characters, so number ten needed one as well. That’s right, we’re talking about a game within a game. I promise it won’t be too confusing.

FFVIII and FFIV both featured card games, but this time the designers decided to do something different. For FFX, they designed an underwater sport called Blitzball. The main character, Tidus, is a professional Blitzball player, so it features heavily in the story. Problem: it’s terrible in every way.

Blitzball is played in a sphere of water suspended in midair somehow.* Players are completely submerged the entire game. It’s not clear how long each game lasts, but certainly far longer than any human could hold their breath while swimming about trying to kick a ball. So how do they breathe? The game doesn’t say. Magic is never mentioned, nor do we ever see any kind of breathing magic employed at any other time, even when it would be really useful.

Even stranger, how are they kicking and throwing a ball underwater? Try kicking something underwater. Go ahead, I’ll wait. You’ll notice it doesn’t go very far. Water is about 800 times denser than air*, so it doesn’t matter how strong a player is – that ball is going nowhere. The characters also have a bunch of special moves that look like they’d accomplish absolutely nothing. Tidus does something called a Sphere Kick, where he somehow gets more kicking power by doing a flip? It makes him look like a show off.

Worst of all, Blitzball gives us the character Wakka, who uses a ball from the game as his weapon. Other characters use swords or guns or magic staves; this guy throws a ball. That’s certainly what we all wanted in our epic fantasy story about the ultimate fate of humanity.

2. Quidditch


What could be more fun than zooming around on your broomstick, competing for the Hogwarts Cup? A lot of things, it turns out.

For one thing, this game is incredibly unsafe, even by Harry Potter standards.* Players fly high into the air at incredible speed, with only their grip to keep them on the broom. You might assume there are safety charms in place, but that’s not the case. We know because in the first book, Quirrell tries to kill Harry by knocking him off his broom during a game.

Any player, many of whom are children, who loses their grip will plummet to the unforgiving earth. Hogwarts has an impressive infirmary, but even they can’t treat a case of “died immediately upon impact.” Then consider the special “bludger” balls that fly around deliberately trying to knock players off their brooms. Apparently, wizards haven’t invented the liability lawsuit yet. I wonder how high the body count is each year?

Safety aside, quidditch needs some equipment regulations. In Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry shows everyone up on his top-of-the-line Nimbus 2000. The next year, House Slytherin ups the ante by getting their entire team Nimbus 2001s. Then Harry continues the arms race by arriving on a Firebolt.

Speed and maneuverability are paramount in quidditch. Each broom is better than what came before and gives their rider a major advantage. The Gryffindor team defeats the Slytherins’ 2001s, but it’s a victory against long odds. A competently managed sport would never have let such such an imbalance appear in the first place. A cash-strapped soccer team might not have quite as nice shoes and shin guards as their opponents, but any advantage granted is minimal. In quidditch, paying to win is A-OK.

Finally, the golden elephant in the room: the snitch. Catching this thing is worth 15 goals and ends the game.* Scoring goals is useless because you’ll never get enough of them to matter. Everyone’s eyes are on the seeker, because that’s where the real action is. On a team of seven, only one player matters. Three if you include the beaters, because they can at least try to hit the seeker with a bludger.

In seven books, there’s only one game where the team that catches the snitch doesn’t win. That result is so rare that the Weasley twins make a small fortune betting on it. In no real sport is one player so heavily emphasized. Not even the much celebrated quarterback in American football. Team games are supposed to require every player’s best effort, and that’s not the case in quidditch.

3. Duel Monsters

In theory these do... something. In theory these do… something.

Taking a break from the exhilaration of broomstick flying, let’s look at a good old-fashioned card game. Duel Monsters is the primary game played in the Yu-Gi-Oh anime, full of monsters and spells and traps. Pretty exciting, right? Also completely incomprehensible.

In the anime, cards have no text on them beyond a monster’s name and basic stats, yet the players are always pulling out fancy effects and combos. How does everyone know that the Time Wizard ages every other monster on the field, giving them major stat penalties? It doesn’t say that anywhere on the Time Wizard’s card. Adding another layer, how do they know that some monsters actually benefit from this effect, becoming older and more powerful?

Has everyone memorized the effects of every card from some rulebook? That can’t be, because the characters are constantly running into cards they’ve never seen before. Are the characters just making effects up and hoping their opponent buys it? That’s what I would do. “Ah yes, my baby rabbit card plus my green grass card means my rabbits multiply out of control and eat all your food. I win.”

Sometimes games are played with giant hologram projecting computers, so it’s possible those have a database of every card’s effect, but they play regular games across a table from each other, too. That sounds like a nightmare.

If you weren’t already confused, the game’s rules are inconsistent. Monsters are supposed to have a “defense mode,” wherein their defense stat protects their player’s life total. In a number of key matches, players forget about this rule, even when it could have kept them from losing. And the show can’t decide if players take damage when their monster dies or only if players are attacked when they don’t have a monster.

Making matters worse, the game has no balance whatsoever. There’s no equivalent to mana or gold cost, so players can just pack their decks with the strongest cards available. This is the ultimate pay to win situation. At the show’s beginning, the world champion player holds his title because he has three of the rarest and best cards in the game. He never demonstrates any skill, but he’s got the best cards. Of course, he gets beaten by the main character thanks to even more powerful cards – not because of skill.

This problem persisted into real life when the Yu-Gi-Oh card game came out. Only the top five percent or so of the cards are worth using, which means most of the packs you buy are filled with nothing but garbage.

4. Chula


Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is a show about war, relationships, intergalactic diplomacy, and occasionally, really bad games. In the episode Move Along Home, our characters meet the Wadi, their first alien species from the Gamma Quadrant. The Wadi are all about games, and when they get tired of playing around in Quark’s bar, they bring out their own game: Chula.

At first, Chula looks like a giant rat play structure, but it’s much more complicated. Somehow, the Wadi create little pocket dimensions inside that machine. Then they kidnap four of DS9’s senior staff and beam them into these dimensions to play the game.

Right off the bat, this game requires kidnapping in order to work. The Wadi act like this is fine, but it’s crazy to think they’ve never encountered another species that objected to being forced into strange pocket dimensions. The Dominion, for example, who live in the same area of space. If the Wadi tried that with some Jem’hadar, there would be trouble.

The gameplay is awful, too. While the crew are navigating through challenges in their pocket dimensions, all the player and spectators on the outside see is a handful of playing pieces moving along a track. In fact, there’s almost no input from the player at all. We only see one instance of the player making an actual choice, when Quark chooses a high risk, high reward option over the safe path. Instead, random die rolls usually determine what happens next, so it’s basically a high tech version of Snakes and Ladders.

Inside the pocket dimension, our heroes are subjected to a series of tests. Each time they pass a test, they advance to a new room, and outside the pieces representing them are moved as well. Unfortunately, the tests are insultingly easy. Most first time dungeon masters could do better. In one room, they have to get through a force field by copying a silly jump routine. In another, they escape poison gas by drinking something they’re told to drink.

Other challenges are impossible to defeat. At one point, Quark rolls badly on the outside, so Dr. Bashir is swallowed up by floating lights. The characters had no way of stopping it, which makes you wonder why the Wadi bother to use living people.* Even if they hadn’t been kidnapped, it’s hard to imagine anyone enjoying this game.

5. Sword Art Online

Absolute freedom to kill as many boars as you like. Absolute freedom to kill as many boars as you like.

Speaking of strange parallel dimensions, we come to Sword Art Online (SAO), from the anime of the same name. This massive multiplayer online roleplaying game (MMO) uses such advanced virtual reality technology that the players are effectively on a holodeck. They see, hear, and feel everything in the game world as if they were actually there.* Of course, the game rebels and tries to kill them, but that’s not the problem. Everything else is.

Since SAO is a full virtual reality, players control their characters just as they control their own body. When you swing a sword, you’re using your own hand-eye coordination, not just telling the computer to swing a sword for you. At last, we can dispense with all the elaborate game mechanics that exist to simulate a real fight! Or not, apparently.

Despite its advanced technology, SAO uses all the same mechanics as a modern MMO. Players need to level up by killing stupendous numbers of local wildlife, a process known in the trade as grinding. No one likes grinding. It’s a weakness in video games, and it isn’t necessary in a game like SAO. Players should get better at sword fighting by getting better at sword fighting.

Instead, your ability in the game is determined mostly by your character’s level. In one scene, a bunch of lower level characters attack a higher level, and they can’t hurt him because their damage numbers aren’t high enough. He doesn’t even defend, just stands there letting them hit him for a while.

No matter how good a player is, they can’t overcome a level difference. This game design is baffling. Surely the entire point of such advanced virtual reality would be to make the experience more realistic; otherwise why bother? It’s depressing to imagine a designer using such advanced technology to recreate a modern MMO.

Designing games is hard, and not every writer is good at it. That’s ok! Authors aren’t usually stone masons either, but they write about castles pretty well. The lesson for designing games is the same as any other element of world building. Be vague, or do your research. If a game in your story is merely set dressing, then you don’t need to know much about it. But if the game is central to your plot, then you need to do the work of creating one that functions. This is second nature for subjects like warfare or medicine, and you can do it for games, too.

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  1. dundee

    Blitzball is and always will be amazing. The fact that all of your gripes with it are based on faulty physics is completely pointless given that it is a video game and therefor physics don’t apply. We also can’t use magic in real life, but they somehow can… they must really suck at making games. You make a few good points about the other games, but you are dead wrong about blitzball.

    • Artur

      Like the Dundee said it’s FF, there is no physics there, after all it has “fantasy” in the name,
      have you plaid any ? If no here are few things you can find there:
      – weapon that is a sword and gun at the same time or can change from rifle to gun, other weapons include a dog, a flute, a whip, a brush, some kind of returning crosbow, a bigger then human swords (used by humans),
      – floating cities,
      – two half-naked ladies changing into bike (Japan rules !!)
      – overgrown chick (chicken) that you can’t ride (or fly if it’s black),
      – monsters on the moon which drops down to the planet,
      – giant meteorite that were used for transportation by old race,
      – magic that can be extracted from earth,
      generally anything they think that would looks cool,
      (can’t wait to see what they introduce in FF XV! ),
      so this blitzball thing isn’t even most

      when describing games (even in games or tv shows) I would recommend to focus on game mechanics because that’s what’s matter in game, by your logic pac-man preaty much sucks since there is no way to walk out of one side and get back on another side of completely flat maze, not to mention every FPS shooter ever.

      And I would clearly plaid blitzball if it was possible, the scene where Tidus jump of the water ball and make flip kick was awesome,

      As for other description of the games:
      quiditch – Cannot disagree that snitch rule is ridiculous, yet still it could be fun to fly on those brooms, as of safety issues, the point of this game was it to be dangerous – the whole school was pretty much deathtrap after all.
      Duel Monsters – You understand that Yu-gi oh is anime with average age of audience around 12 ? And was designed to compete with Pokemons ? They surely didn’t care on this Duel Monster game mechanics (nor should anyone), and collecting better card was like collecting pokemons (or gaining new level of Super Sayan or whatever)
      Sword Art Online – You surely haven’t plaid lot in RPG’s don’t you? You really would like to play game that needs you to spend 3 years to train fighting only in order to be killed in next battle (as it would be probably in most real fights) or would you prefer a little less realistic but more entertaining fighting with a dragon ? To be honest both realistic and level up systems can be fun depends who plays, but looking on our current game developing I must say that casual games, that don’t need hours of training usually has more players. Of course it’s easier for developer to make some level cap for balance reason but there is a lot of jap-korean games that doesn’t have level cap so I guess with virtual reality this could be done as well. And this is anime, they might not focus on game mechanics so much because maybe the story doesn’t need them too (haven’t really watched that one, although I hear it was good), for example there is .hack// series, with MMORG “entrapment” story – and game mechanic of the game they play has no sense at all, still that doesn’t matter, because the story isn’t about the game it’s about a boy trapped inside. If you like MMORG entrapment anime with great game mechanics I recommend “log horizon”, the whole 1 season, almost literally, is about game mechanincs

  2. Alverant

    FFX was my first Final Fantasy game. I remember using the Game Shark to get the Wakka’s special ball since I wasn’t good at Blitzball. I’m with dundee. It being a video game in a world with magic so I give it a lot of leeway. It’s a mini-game, you can’t expect too much.

    Chula, like a lot of sci-fi objects, is meant to be a metaphor or object lesson. Rating it as a game misses the point/

    • Krssve

      Ok then, if Chula in ‘Move Along Home’ is a metaphor for something, what is it? What message is the episode trying to get across? I’ve seen that episode many times and the issue is simply that the central game from what we see of it doesn’t seem interesting. It is based on pure RNG and doesn’t even need to have people in it, since those people don’t encounter anything resembling too much of a challenge (especially not to anyone who has ever played a tabletop RPG).

      Essentially they wanted to create the mystery of being in that world for Sisko and the other characters while connecting it to Quark’s real world play, making the game the focus of the episode. But they then completely hand-waved the details of said game to the point where it doesn’t even make any sense that they are in that situation, unravelling the entire plot.

  3. Rand al'Thor

    Some speculative fiction stories do real games the weird way, like Unseen Academicals.

  4. Skylark

    Re: Quidditch, the goals mostly come into play with league/cup rankings. In one of the books, Gryffindor looses a match but can still win the cup if they win by a certain number of points in the next game, so Harry has to wait to catch the snitch until they’re a certain number of points ahead. You do wonder why there’s such a gulf between point values, though – 15 times a normal goal? Really? You just need to look at actual soccer game scores to realize how rare it is to actually score that many goals.
    As for the safety thing, it gets even worse when you hear about Quadpot, which is apparently what American wizards play. Basically Quidditch, but the Quaffle will also randomly explode. I guess the lawsuits are what keep all the wizard lawyers employed.

    • Krssven

      I too always wondered why children aren’t routinely dying from Quidditch-related injuries. It would make sense if there was some magic stopping them dying, but it’s a plot point that Harry is nearly assassinated by being forced to fall off his broom.

      Maybe the American wizards kick the Quaffle instead of throwing it?
      I also always wondered about the bludgers. Can they hurt you or not? In another story Harry has to escape from a ‘rogue bludger’ that seems to have the weight and inertia of a shot put, considering the damage it does to the wooden structures the spectators sit on.

      Give me the robot jousts from Robot Jox any day. Countries have differences? Whoever blows the enemy mech up first wins. Everyone goes home.

    • Cay Reet

      The league doesn’t explain why they work with 10 and 150 instead of 1 and 15, though. The points stay the same and it doesn’t make a difference whether a team ranks first with 900 or with 90 points. Nobody can come in second with 899 points, after all. Nothing above 890 points would be possible.

      I wouldn’t compare Quidditch to soccer (or football, as everyone outside the US calles it). Yes, in soccer matches, more than two or three goals a game (per side) are hardly likely (unless you let a championship winner play against an absolute amateur team which doesn’t happen in the leagues). There’s only 90 minutes and the goalkeepers of both teams usually know what they’re doing, so most attacks on the goal will not lead to a point.
      If you took this as an argument for the 15:1 ratio, I don’t really see the point. By your argument, a point ratio of 5 or 7 for catching the snitch to 1 for scoring a goal sounds pretty good.
      The only reason why you could, theoretically, rack up 15 goals before the game ends is that Quidditch doesn’t have a regular length: it takes until the Snitch is caught, even if that should take days (as it apparently did in the past). A rather stupid idea, if you ask me. Especially with a spectator sport, you will normally want a maximum length – which would then justify trying to score a goal in the first place, because if the Snitch isn’t caught by the end of the game, the team with more goals wins.

  5. ORione

    There’s one other thing that makes the Snitch and the Seeker’s importance even more absurd: Quidditch is a spectator sport. People watch it. The problem with this is that for most of the game, the Seeker’s just looking around. It’s not exciting to watch. Certainly not as exciting as what the rest of the team is doing. So it’s a spectator sport where the only player who matters is the one who’s least interesting to watch.

    • Bronze Dog

      That’s got me wondering if all the other elements were added to the sport to keep the audience vaguely entertained until the Seekers spot the snitch.

      • Cay Reet

        That would explain the mad scoring system in which you basically can do what you want, but it will almost always be the Seeker who wins or loses the game…

  6. Troy Jones III

    Another terrible game (as in, terrible *as a game*, setting aside moral questions), is The Running Man, from Stephen King’s novel of the same name. In the novel, the runners try to hide from the hunters anywhere in the world, but must mail in video-taped updates to the show every day. Supposedly this game-show is the most popular TV show ever, even though all the show consists of, from the spectators’ standpoint, are these home videos from the runners and the game-show host hyping up the studio audience. The show, as a show, has no actual excitement or action. People are dying, and yet the show sounds like a total yawn-fest.

    The movie version of The Running Man is totally different, of course. The show in the movie version has some actual show-biz sensibility, with action and colorful characters.

    • Daraexus

      I know this is a very, very, very old post, but I just wanted to point out that, the cards DO have text in the original japanese show, but in the dub, 4kids decided to do the crappy rehash of he cards we all know and love/hate, just because. So, the cards do have a printed text with their supposed effects.

      Obviously the show is highly inconsistent, Duelist kingdom have way different rules than battle city (that’s when sacrifices basically function as the “mana” of this game) and from this point onwards, the game resembles the actual konami TCG that is played around the world for unfathomable reasons.

      • GreatWyrmGold

        Minor point: Considering that Japanese can fit entire sentences into the space English uses for one multisyllabic word, there wasn’t really any good way to fit the translated text into the provided box. Even if there was, doing so for every frame a card was in while it turned around or whatever would take a lot more effort than anything else involved in dubbing.
        Finally, having rules printed on the card would only make it more obvious when players screwed the rules, regardless of if they had money or not.

  7. lea

    To be honest, that Yu-Gi-Oh card game sounds a lot like Cosmic Encounter.

  8. GreatWyrmGold

    And people say that only Mother’s Basement thinks SAO has lousy game design…

  9. We Don't Use Real Names Here

    Players in Sword Art Online are able to taste, in addition to having their other senses. A handful of episodes in season one revolve around Asuna’s cooking and how amazing it tastes.

  10. Eli

    I’d like to also point out that the whole premise of pokemon is illegal animal fights. Sure in the context of the cards and video game it doesn’t make too big a deal but once you put it into several shows it gets weird with that, child endangerment, and also the taking turns in combat thing does not make sense for when its a cartoon aka it functions in ‘real time’ where there are no metaphysical laws to prevent: light them up and don’t give them a chance to fight back.

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