A news anchor is giving his report.

Anchor: In bigger news, early this morning the young protagonist’s parents were found in his fridge. Several droids bearing the Big Industries Incorporated logo were found near the scene, but the CEO denies any involvement. What does that mean for the weather this week, Natalia?

The camera cuts to the weather report. Natalia is snappily dressed and standing in front of a weather map.

Natalia: Thanks, Quon. Well, folks, given this tragic turn of events, the sunny predictions I made yesterday have been subverted.

She indicates the weather map.

Natalia: As you can see, this newly formed authorial-input system indicates an incoming storm to ensure an adequately somber atmosphere for the funeral on Wednesday. Expect heart-rending downpours, and don’t forget to bring your best black umbrella to the memorial.

She moves ahead in the week.

Natalia: By the weekend, however, the rain should abate somewhat as the protagonist’s angst hardens into vengeance. A local atmosphere of badassery will form – fog, gray skies, distant thunder, chills deep in the bones, et cetera. If you hear any loud bwommms, evacuate the area immediately.

Quon (offscreen): Oh dear. When can we look forward to that sun you promised?

Natalia: Glad you asked! Based on satellite imagery, we’ve deduced that the overall tone isn’t dark enough to warrant an ambiguous or unhappy conclusion. I can be optimistic in predicting a triumphant resolution by Monday and sun to follow. Expect light breezes, uplifting music, and perhaps even a few dreamy evenings, depending on how the finding-a-girlfriend subplot goes.

The camera cuts back to Quon. 

Quon: Thanks, Natalia. Up next: an interview with the CEO of BII, wherein he explains how, despite his all-puppy diet and baby-kicking exercise regimen, you should absolutely sympathize with him. Stay tuned.

Natalia (offscreen): I hope you remembered spoiler alerts this time.

P.S. Our bills are paid by our wonderful patrons. Could you chip in?

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