Reporters with cameras and notepads crowd a spotlighted runway. First, a gigantic sword is displayed, which has to be dragged across the ground before being shown. The announcer’s voice booms overhead.

Announcer: Welcome to the annual Fantastical Fashion Showcase! Starting things off with a slash, we have this classic accessory for all fashionable fighters. Our experts agree that any blade that isn’t at least your full height is not worth your coin, so don’t cut yourself short!

A model wearing skimpy armor wobbles out and poses, wincing, as the sword is hauled away.

Announcer: Next, the daring centerpiece of the new Battlefield Queen collection. Steel trimming wicks sweat away from beneath this form-forward metal bra, accented by 100% bootstrap high-heeled thigh-huggers, and an arrow in the kidney completes the look. Matching chainmail lingerie and a jar of Chafe-Away included.

Next, a man in ridiculously heavy, complicated armor emerges stiffly as the first model retreats. As the announcer speaks, the man’s visibly strained face beneath the chunky visor gets redder and redder.

Announcer: Next, the star of the Thousand-Pound Brigade collection, this stout crested chestplate conquers both your enemies and any runway battle. Custom handcrafted ab detailing by the most talented designers in the house, tailor-made for each special warrior. Looking sharp in metallic shoulder javelins, gilded gauntlets, and a hundred-pound horn helmet, this outfit –

The announcer stops abruptly as the model faints dead away, collapsing onto the ground. The reporters gathered around the runway freeze and stare. There’s a moment of silence. The announcer scrambles to recover.

Announcer: – this outfit – er – this outfit can only be worn by the toughest of warriors!

The crowd goes wild, clapping and cheering and throwing their money toward the announcer and the comatose form of the model on the floor.

P.S. Our bills are paid by our wonderful patrons. Could you chip in?

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