Transcript
A giant toad sits on the lap of a black-haired boy wizard. Behind them hang four banners: red, green, yellow, and blue.
Toad: I will now look into your soul and judge whether you are destined to join the valiant heroes, sniveling villains, insufferable snobs, or pathetic losers.
Boy: Can I please be in the hero house?
Toad: Sure. FATE HAS CHOSEN THIS ONE TO BE A HERO!
The camera zooms out, showing a table of students in yellow scarves looking outraged.
Students: You can just ask?!
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No, no, that’s not it at all! The chosen one needs to want to be in the loser house and get forced to be in the hero house. How else can he constantly angst and whine about being in the best house?
Lol.
No, the hero needs to want to be a villain and hate every moment of having to fight for the good side.
Nevermind the hero and snobs and the losers, isn’t it unwise to put all the evil students in the same house? Do we want them working together? Is this a secret eviiil academy?
That’s essentially how the Death Eaters happen in HP – all ‘evil’ students are in Slytherin so Voldemort can basically recruit out of school.
I know, right? Bla bla Gryffindor, let’s make sure the Slytherin students can all get to know each other very well and form really tight bonds and then move to rule the world. Pretend you never saw that one coming (10 points for teamwork, tho).
Not to mention that the bias against them means they’re less likely to form friendships outside of their house than any of the others. Nobody wants to be friends with a Slytherin but the other Slytherins.
And who is to blame for that? The Toad. Also why even use such a system, isn’t bit better to make the Students choose their house?
So….is this essentially how Harry’s Sorting would have gone if the hat talked out loud?
And if Neville’s toad had a side-gig as a sorting animal.
The best thing about this is having a powerful mindreading animal/object and using it to… sort kids into clubs they’ll be in for a couple of years. Genius! :’)